Limousines

Nearly all the business executives I know who use car services for travel avoid limousines in favor of sedans. One exception I can think of, is when there is a large group so a limousine is more cost-effective. The other is the old school types  (now few and far between) who think they are impressing suppliers by picking them up in a block long vehicle.

However, the car service companies sometimes feel they are rewarding a good client by “upgrading” them to a limousine from a town car.

I remember an occasion at the end of a long trip that culminated in an offsite meeting in the New York area and the concern I felt when I was told, “Oh, and since you are such a good customer, we are sending a limo.” “Please don’t; it’s not necessary.” The reply — “It’s on us, no extra charge.”

“You don’t understand,” I said. “My associates will be picked up in sedans or drive their own cars and there is no way I want them to think that I use limos … which I don’t.”

“I’m sorry,” the dispatcher said, “but the car is on the way and should be there in 10 minutes.”

In a near panic I replied, “Listen, call him and tell him to stay at the entrance and I’ll come down the hill to him. No way I want to be picked up at the main entrance.”

So my luggage and me walked half a mile and, like someone who is on the run or has something to hide, I looked left and right a dozen times before I got in the limo. If I could disguise myself, I would have. I got away undetected.

Someone else I knew was not so lucky.

The company plane came back from a trip. It could have been the retreat at Ivy Creek or a Tunnel of Love tour to the regions. I can’t remember which.  It was raining, no, make that teeming. The plane — Whiskey 7 — pulled up to the hanger at Westchester Airport and stopped. The tarmac was full of car service vehicles waiting to pick us up.

When the crew opened the door and dropped the stairs, a driver from the limousine at the head of the line ran up the stairs with an umbrella. We all thought it was for Edgar Jr. But, in a loud voice he declared, “ Mr. A please?”

Out of the back of the plane, more than a bit sheepish, Mr. A said (in a very low voice) “Be right there.”

Mr. A was known as someone who did a great job for the company but also liked his creature comforts. His favorite expression was “The best revenge is a good meal.”

As he walked down the stairs, as the rest of us waited, Junior said, “See you tomorrow… Stretch.”

He was known as Stretch evermore.

To this day I don’t know if he was a victim of an over zealous car company or a guy who got caught.

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Messing with the Jewels

A reader wrote an interesting comment on one of the Crown Royal postings. The question was:

Why do you think Crown launched Crown Royal Black? I’ve seen a lot of consumer comments comparing Black to Special Reserve (as opposed to the cheaper versions of the brand). Would they be risking cannibalization of their higher end product?

Got me thinking. As some of you know I’m a wannabe playwright and I imagined this totally fictitious scene whereby the decision to introduce the line extension took place.

Messing with the Jewels

Characters:

Boss, Marketing Maven and Planner

The Boss enters the room and joins the others at a conference table.

BOSS

OK, what have you got for me?

MARKETING MAVEN

We’ve got a good idea to help the brand.

BOSS

Good? Not great?

MARKETING MAVEN

Just want to manage your expectations, chief.

BOSS

Look… the brand is slipping. Line extensions haven’t helped. So let’s go back to basics; why are we losing sales? (Pause) How do you intend to fix it?

PLANNER

Well, there are two factors at play among consumers.

MARKETING MAVEN

And a sales issue.

BOSS

What kind of sales issue?

MARKETING MAVEN

Our guys are the best in the business but they don’t understand the brand and what makes it tick…

BOSS

(Interrupting) Because of those damn line extensions. I don’t get it either.

MARKETING MAVEN

I’ll get to that in a minute. The other sales problem is that the brand doesn’t get enough focus. There are too many other priorities.

BOSS

That’s nonsense. Aw, all you marketing guys just want to blame sales. When I want an opinion about sales, I’ll give it to you. I repeat, what’s the problem and how are you going to fix it?

PLANNER

Consumers are drinking more whiskey but it’s Bourbon and flavored Whiskey.

BOSS

Okay, what else.

PLANNER

Consumers are confused about all the variations. In focus groups they tell us that they don’t understand the differences and we’re pissing them off. It used to be simple — better and best. Now we have original, best original, different betters, best better, saved recipe, and so on. Some believe it’s all marketing hype.

BOSS

Okay Maven, you created this mess. What are you going to do about it?

MARKETING MAVEN

Borrow a page from our Scotch brothers.

BOSS

Are you nuts? Don’t tell me you’re thinking of a Scotch line extension?

MARKETING MAVEN

No, no … Our Scotch line extensions are easy to understand. The price and quality vary by color… red, black, gold, and blue. We don’t talk age we talk color. Easy choice for consumers.

BOSS

So…?

MARKETING MAVEN

We’ll introduce Black as a line extension then gradually change the names of the other extensions to other colors. Wait until you see Purple.

BOSS

All right. Start with Black and show me a plan for the rest of the line.

The Boss leaves.

PLANNER

You got to be joking.

MARKETING MAVEN

Why?

PLANNER

That’s just going to add to the confusion.

MARKETING MAVEN

Nah, it will work. Besides, in a year, I’ll be off the brand and working on that Vodka.

PLANNER

Listen my friend, if it doesn’t work, a year from now you’ll be lucky to be handling the Tequila brand.

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Keepers of the Quaich

The Keepers of the Quaich is a Scotch Whisky society with membership by invitation only. Along with others, James Espey founded it to acknowledge those who have contributed to the Scotch Whisky industry.

As an aside, James has held very senior positions in the liquor industry including at UD, IDV, Seagram and others. He’s known for the creation of Bailey’s and Malibu, among other brands, and is the consummate marketing and managerial professional.

He also has a great sense of humor so it comes as no surprise that he would help found a 500-year-old society in 1988.

This is a Quaich (pronounced kweix). It is the classic small drinking bowl of Scotland and the centerpiece of the society and the induction ceremony.

Everything about the society and its induction process is serious and worthwhile but in my humble opinion it’s a hoot, especially the stories surrounding the event and ceremony.

On the serious side, while I’m not sure how it works today, the people who ran the society when I was inducted put on a great event. The Keepers had its own tartan and inductees received a cummerbund made in that plaid. There is a coat of arms with the motto Uisgebeatha Gu Brath which means “The Water of Life For Ever.’’

The event itself is held at Blair Castle (not to be confused with the Blair Witch project), which is the ancient home and fortress of the Earls and Dukes of Atholl. The ceremony, as I recall it, was something to behold even for the most blasé  “been there and done it” booze business executive.

Throughout the induction ceremony and the serious and splendid dinner, you actually feel honored and totally enthralled by the evening. It isn’t until the end of the meal when the inductees are full of Scotch, Haggis and singing while standing on the tables that one realizes that this is just good fun.

About the standing on the table bit, perhaps some readers who are members can enlighten me as to the number of injuries that might have occurred over the years when tables collapsed. My memory is a bit hazy on that aspect of the evening. I recall standing and singing a Scottish drinking song and vaguely remember joining everyone else as we stood on the chairs while raising our voices. But, how the few hundred others and I got on the tables to end the song is beyond my recollection.

Ah, and the Haggis. Now there’s a tale Laddie.

As the dinner began two men appeared, one holding the Haggis and the other looked like he had come from central casting and, with a booming voice, recited the Robert Burns poem, Address to a Haggis. Allow me to set the stage for you.

As you remember from High School, Robert Burns was a renowned Scottish poet and lyricist, widely regarded as the national poet of Scotland.

Haggis is a dish containing sheep’s liver, lungs and heart mixed with onion, salt, oatmeal, other stuff and simmered and served in a sheep’s stomach. Let’s just say that, like Scotch, it’s an acquired taste. (The term ‘mystery meat’ you used in High School doesn’t begin to describe it.)

The poem is a celebration of the dish’s role as a unique and symbolic part of the Scottish identity and culture. So it’s more than fitting that the Keeper’s dinner should begin with this presentation of the Haggis accompanied by the Burns poem.

As the story goes, at one particular induction dinner, things went awry. Picture the server carrying this enormous Haggis followed by the booming voice reciting the poem.

As he walks down the dining room, his voice gets louder as he approaches the final verse, the translation of which is:

You powers who make mankind your care

And dish them out their meals

Old Scotland wants no watery food

That splashes in dishes

But if you wish her grateful prayer

Give her a haggis!

Just then the server slips and the Haggis is tossed four feet in the air. It lands with a loud thud and showers Haggis all over the place. We’re talking meat and offal on the tables, floors, chandeliers and a few dozen Keepers in tuxedos with their unique tartan cummerbunds.

At which point one of the longstanding members was heard to remark: “I see they’ve added a new element to this year’s event…the flying Haggis.”

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