Stories and Myths | Booze Business: A Blog Dedicated to the Business of Spirits and Wine

It Ain’t Always Carnaval

March 20, 2011 No Comments

When the music stopped during the never-ending corporate version of musical chairs, he found himself with the glorious (or was it to be inglorious?) title of Executive Vice President Marketing and Strategy, Americas. A mouthful. Sounds better than it was.

From Canada to Chile, as he liked to say, he learned about the international side of the business, cultural differences, people and working style differences. In fact, Canada was a dream. Despite the business and profitability constraints, the Canadian operation was top of the game.

South America was another matter.

The Americas was run by a South American ex-pat who was smart and hard working but a micro manager with an occasional reluctance to pull the trigger. In other words, tough to work for.

But, all in all, the experience was terrific. Where else but in Latin America are the following expressions a life principle?

It’s better to apologize than ask permission.

A red traffic light is merely a suggestion.

All things are possible (said while rubbing the thumb, index and middle fingers).

But then, and even more so now, security while traveling was an important issue. On one of the first trips, for example, he was met by a driver/security person just outside of immigration who chastised him for putting his passport into the breast pocket of his jacket. He was informed that he wouldn’t get out of the building without having his pocket picked.

Big deal he thought. A friend had his wallet picked on the streets of Paris.

He heard about a French colleague mugged during daylight in Sao Paulo. Another had his computer ripped out of his hands in Mexico City. Most of his South American associates lived in gated communities but, unlike the US, the gatekeepers had machine guns.

So what, he thought, I grew up in Brownsville, Brooklyn, NYC and the world is a tough place. “Don’t rain on my ‘salad days,’”[1] was his motto.

Then one fine day he got a wake up call.

The Swedish partners decided to concentrate on expanding the business in Latin America and wanted to have a conference to discuss brand development issues in the continent. The marketing folks wanted the meeting to be held in Bogota, Columbia. He wasn’t pleased but, whatever… never been there, how bad could it be?

To go there he needed a visa and had to go through Corporate to get things arranged. That’s where the story begins…

He comes into his office one day and Mary, his assistant, says, “You can’t go to Bogota because Leo won’t let you go.”

The scene shifts to Leo McGillicudy – the nicest and most decent person he had ever met at the company. Head of security and a former former FBI agent, Leo was a friend and someone he respected and admired.

“What the hell?” he said to Mary. “I’ll call him,” knowing full well if Leo said no, it was no.

He: “’Hi Leo. How’s the family?” (Pause) “Great…listen Leo, what’s this about my not being able to go to Bogota?”

Leo: “Are you nuts? Do you read the papers? It isn’t safe and I can’t let you go.”

He: “ Come on, it’s my job, how bad can it be?”

Leo: “Are you listening? The last thing I need at this point in my life is to go to Bogota and save your sorry ass.”

He: “What am I am suppose to tell my boss…”

Leo: “Whatever you want. You aren’t going.”

He: “But he’s from Latin America and I’m new on his staff…what’s he going to think when I tell him I’m not going?”

Leo: “I don’t give a s**t. Tell him I said he can’t go either.”

The meeting was held in Aruba.

[1] Refers to a person’s heyday when somebody was at the peak of his/her abilities

International Assignment

February 23, 2011 No Comments

He was very excited about the new job. Head of marketing for Asia Pacific and Global Duty Free. The wild west of the spirits business and destined to grow in importance.

He would soon find out that it wasn’t all that great a position for lots of reasons, not least of which was spending 2-3 weeks a month away from home. But the first reaction was total excitement.

First order of business – take the physical and get some shots.

So, off he goes to the medical office, a visit to Dr. Goldfinger and Nurse Crotchet. The Doc is pleasant enough (albeit enjoying the exam a bit too much) and he passes with flying colors.

Nurse Crotched is another story. Very competent, very capable but dour… we’re talking beyond focused — a combination of resolute and sour. On top of it, think of the Church Lady from Saturday Night Live. But, she was well intentioned.

“Okay,” she says to him, “You need shots before you can go to Asia.”

“What kind of shots?” he asks. He’s not afraid of needles but what the hell?

“Well, tetanus, malaria, a series of hepatitis, cholera, all sorts of disease preventatives.”

“Is this really necessary?” he asks.

“Yes, you never can tell what you’ll encounter…where you will be…what you’ll be eating.” Then with a little glee in her voice, “Besides, it’s company policy.”

Some time later, she finishes and he gets off the table and ready to leave.

“Just one more thing,” she says. “Here’s a Dopp Kit[*]. It contains items you may need while traveling.”

He looks inside and sees a bizarre assortment of stuff – a pack of analgesics, Band-Aids, iodine, Alka Seltzer and assorted travel related items. Things he already travels with.

But there at the bottom of the kit, is a condom. He can’t resist mentioning it.

He takes it out of the kit and holds it up. “What’s this for,” he asks.

The nurse turns crimson and says angrily, “You know full well what it’s for.”

“Yes,” he answers, “But why only one?”

She storms off. Good thing he got the shots first.

[*]First produced by Charles Doppelt, a leather goods designer who emigrated to the U.S. from Germany in the early 1900s. In World War II the U.S. Army issued them to recruits by the millions. Who says this blog is not educational?

Retired Drinkers

February 14, 2011 No Comments

I generally don’t post jokes but I thought this one was worthy of wide distribution. Besides, it’s the one-year anniversary of this blog and I wanted to say thanks for reading by providing a smile. Stop me if you’ve heard it.

Four retired guys are walking down a street in Scottsdale, Arizona.

They turn a corner and see a sign that says, Old Timers Bar – All Drinks 10 cents. They look at each other and decide to go in, thinking this is too good to be true. Got to be a catch.

As they enter, the bartender, an older gentleman as well, says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour you one! What’ll it be, Gents?”

The bar was well stocked and each of them ordered their favorite drink – a couple of martinis, a whiskey on the rocks and a gin and tonic. The bartender, using only top shelf brands, serves the drinks and says, “That’ll be 40 cents please.”

The four friends look at each other. They smile and can’t believe their good luck. They finish their drinks, there is no hassle, no scam, nothing but a fun time. They decide to order another round.

Again, four drinks are served and the bartender says, “That’s 40 cents, please.’”

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. Two rounds of drinks for less than a dollar. Finally one of the men says to the bartender, “We don’t get it…how can you afford a nice place like this and serve great drinks for only10 cents a drink.”

“Well,” says the bartender, “I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime — wine, liquor or beer – it’s all the same price. Best part is I get to meet and chat with interesting folks like you guys.”

“Wow,” they say to each other. “That’s quite a story,” one of them says to the bartender.

As they’re on the second round, they notice a group of seven people at the other end of the bar who don’t have drinks in front of them and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they’ve been there.

One of the men in the group gestures at the seven at the end of the bar and asks the bartender, “What’s the story with those guys?

The bartender says, “Oh, those guys are all retired New York snowbirds who usually go to Florida for the winter… They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half price.”