There has been a good deal of press and buzz about marshmallow and whipped cream flavored vodkas from Smirnoff. Today’s Buffalo Trace Newsletter has a story from the Chicago Tribune that suggests, or at least predicts, the success of these products.

The newspaper also has a story about a burglar and an interesting new twist to an old excuse.

Charged with felony burglary (among other related offenses), the gentleman in question broke into a home, stole some property and a foot race with police ensued. When he thought he had escaped, he broke into another home but this time lay down on the couch, took his shoes off and went to sleep. The homeowner found him the next morning and promptly called the police.

He told the police that he didn’t know how he got there and the last thing he remembers was drinking marshmallow-flavored vodka.

They should throw the book at him – mainly for his bad taste in booze.

I came across an article in USA Today indicating that US alcohol consumption hit a 25-yeat high. Americans drank the most wine on record (2.3 gallons per person). Spirits grew by 18% to 1.5 gallons. But, beer dropped 7 percent to 20.7 gallons according to the Beer Institute.

The report brought to mind an article in Wine & Spirits Daily back in October. Speaking to the National Beer Wholesalers Association, Tom Long of MillerCoors, indicated that the beer industry could learn a thing or two from spirits marketing.

To further illustrate the problem, according to Ad Age, AB InBev spent $555 million in measured media last year and still managed to lose a full share point. MillerCoors spent just under $400 million and lost half a share point. How does that work? Together they spent nearly a billion and lost market share. Is it the creative? Is it the media? Is it that consumer alcohol tastes are shifting to craft beers and spirits/wine? Probably all of the above.

Therefore, as a public service, I scoured the Internet to see if there is anything out there that I had not yet covered that might help the beer people.

First I thought about innovation.

What about new flavors? Look at the growth in flavored vodkas. First fruit then vegetables then exotic fruit, now all kinds of stuff. How about Whipped Cream, Marshmallow, Cupcake, Peanut butter? Probably too froufrou for the macho beer drinker.

How about new venues? I just read where White Castle is thinking about joining other fast food spots in testing the sale of wine and beer. On second thought, White Castle is where you go after drinking, if at all.

So, I came to the conclusion that the answer lies in celebrity tie-ins. There have been a slew of them in 2011, some as celebrity ownership and some as endorsements. All are in the spirits or wine business and none in beer, until recently. Here’s a blurb from the LA Times about the Hanson brothers: “Hanson burrowed into our heads with their hit 1997 song “MMMBop.” Now they want space in our gullets with their soon-to-be-released beer MMMHop IPA (Indian Pale Ale). They may want to consider co-packing the beer with other Hanson logo products – toothbrushes or lunch boxes.

How about signing a deal with Sean Diddy Combs? After making a ton with Ciroc vodka, I’ve read that he is looking at tequila. Either Diageo didn’t sign him to spirits exclusivity or they want to do a tequila tie-in or he just wants to move on. Perhaps a beer company can get this booze pied piper to pimp their beer.

Here are some other celeb efforts:

Sammy Hagar, after selling off the majority of Cabo Wabo Tequila, now has a new spirits brand called Sammy’s Beach Bar Rum. I guess he thinks that lightning will strike twice. If it does, maybe he’ll do a beer.

Perhaps the beer folks should look at celebrity tie-ins with those who have recently entered the wine business. Like retired basketball player Yao Ming selling his Yao Family Wines exclusively in China. Or, AC/DC distributing wines in Australia called Drops of Jupiter Petite Syrah and Calling All Angel’s Chardonnay.

What about celebrities from the reality shows? Bethenny Frankel may be available now that her Skinnygirl brand has been acquired. The beer people could use her for light beers. A real natural would be “The Situation” who is supposedly hawking protein vodka.

So the beer people have lots to choose from. But my favorite is country music star Toby Keith who launched his Wild Shot mezcal. I love what he had to say about it the Bloomberg BusinessWeek,

“All the whiskey’s already been spoken for…and everyone’s got a vodka, and one of my buddies does tequila…But, there was no one doing mezcal.”

Talk about insightful marketing analysis. He’d be great for a beer brand.

Buffalo Trace Newsletter had a reprinted story today from an Australian newspaper (Perth Now) that really is one for the books.

Here’s the headline:

THREE WA (Western Australia) men suffered horrific burns after branding themselves with novelty branding irons given away as part of a Jack Daniel’s promotion.

Apparently these geniuses branded their backsides with the words “Old No. 7 Brand” which was part of a barbeque promotion. Not surprisingly they ended up in the hospital for surgery and emergency skin grafts.

Also not surprisingly, The Royal Perth Hospital surgeon called the promotion “an irresponsible cocktail for disaster.” The event also engendered a series of calls for legislation to “halt irresponsible alcohol promotions.” I suppose that they think that before launching the promotion, the Brown Forman Australia folks sat around saying, “I wonder how many idiots we can get to burn themselves with the branding irons.”

It reminds me of the case in Texas where someone drank a 750 ML of Jack Daniel’s in one sitting and then died of alcohol toxicity. The family sued. The courts said something like, if you are dumb enough to drink so much alcohol in so short a period of time, no warning label will stop you.

In Australia, a government official said, “…At the end of the day, how can we legislate against that level of stupidity.”

The branding iron has a warning sticker that says – this can cause serious skin burns; do not touch metal parts with fingers, skin or any flammable material; branding iron will remain hot long after being heated.

They forgot one important warning:

ONLY A BLOODY IDIOT WOULD BRAND THEIR ARSE, SO BE CAREFUL

The culprit

I went to Mongolia at the invitation of the APU Company and at the suggestion of James Espey who works with them. The purpose of the visit was to provide marketing training.

APU is the biggest alcohol and beverage company on the Mongolian Stock exchange. In the marketplace, they are the dominant factor in vodka and beer – certainly in volume and, in my view, in terms of product quality as well. (The vodkas are the best I’ve ever tasted and the beers were equally outstanding.)

APU Vodkas.

The company was established in 1924 as a state monopoly (with Soviet influence), became a joint stock company partly owned by the state and partly private in 1992 and today is totally privately owned and a top player. You’d think that such a market leader would rest on its laurels. No way.

Golden Gobi Beer.

In some respects it reminded me of Seagram before the show businesses crazies and greed set in. The people in marketing and sales are arguably the best in the Mongolian business and still continue to strive for excellence without arrogance. The production operation is top notch – I have never seen a plant and manufacturing facility so state-of-the-art. While I was there they had just received their ISO Certificate of Quality for soft drink and beer production. So, add world class to the mix.

Other similarities included concerns about social responsibility, customer service, debates about brand spending as a cost or investment, marketing and sales issues, and many other things the Seagram alumni will readily recall.

I found it interesting that governmental concern (and hypocrisy) about alcohol consumption is universal. In the US, prohibition failed because the government needed the tax and tariff revenue on alcohol. In Mongolia, the government gives APU an enormous award for being among the top five tax revenue producers (see photo below) yet, lobbies the public to drink soft drinks on New Year’s Eve.

I was so impressed with the management and team that I initially worried about whether I could meet their expectations and add value. Based on their knowledge of marketing and sales, what was supposed to be a training session, turned into discussions of beverage and alcohol marketing issues and case studies.

All in all, the people I encountered, except for the language difference, could be sales and marketing executives from any leading company in the world. I would have hired any one of them.

After the factory tour, wearing a required clothing cover. Note the huge award on top of the showcase.

My fellow marketers.

It was an experience of a lifetime.

My only complaint — I should have brought more vodka home.

My new favorite vodka.